Well, I looked at my grades today and I got 2 A's and 2 B's. I don't know why but I have so many mixed emotions about the whole year, truthfully. So, let me see if I can try to explain and maybe work this out.
First, all my life, with the exception of Math classes, I've had to struggle for even a C! It just seemed that no matter how hard I studied, that's what I got. And, I admit, I quit trying to do any better after some point in my life. I also felt like I was always being picked on or bullied. But, in reality, even at every new school I went to (I went to 3 grade schools, 1 middle school and 2 high schools by graduation) I always seemed to feel like that awkward new kid in school trying to meet and make new friends. Maybe that was part of the feeling of being picked on and/or bullied. Maybe it was because they knew (as I have found out from some high school friends lately on Facebook) that I was gay long before I did. I really don't know. The fact was, I was always struggling with my grades.
Second, my parents, as well intentioned as they were, had no idea of the harm they caused with their admonishments of; "Why can't you be more like your (older) brother?" and "You can't go into acting!!! You have to be practical and study business." I won't go into details of the severity of the dysfunction in the family, but couple that with the above and I can see that I became more of a people pleaser, or would do anything to please my parents so as not to rock the boat any further. It wasn't until after their deaths and I understood the impact of the family dysfunction that I started to do things to please ME more than anybody else.
Third, a lot of things I attempted in my life I looked for what "comes naturally" to others, to come to me with little to no effort. As with playing a musical instrument, musicians made it seem so natural. I failed to consider the years of practice they went through to become so amazingly good. I took to singing pretty well, and was always in the school choirs...but again, that fell under the "entertainment" field and was forbidden by the family! Mom, wanted me to be the next Artie Shaw (a Big Band era clarinet player), which didn't really interest me, but I wanted to please her so I tried for a few years and lost interest in attending band practices after a while.
College I went into the pre-Business classes and did alright to start with Basic Algebra. But the pre-business classes themselves were nearly disastrous with a D in Basic Economics and Accounting I. So, I switched majors because in a Radio & TV in Modern Society class which I took for a Humanities credit I got an easy A without trying! Dad had instilled in me the idea of just getting a degree and you'll "get a good job" so much that he was okay with me switching to Speech & Dramatic Arts: Radio, TV and Film program, so long as I graduated. I still had difficulties with Spanish but managed to get two C's in I and II and a D in Spanish Reading (in English) in which we read "Don Quixote." So, I graduate with a 2.75 average, never making the Dean's list, even though all my Radio, TV & Film classes I got A's & B's in. The one thing I didn't know about was doing an internship. Nobody at college suggested it to me. I hadn't heard a thing about it until I tried getting a job in radio or tv, "you got a great degree, where is your experience? Where did you intern?" I heard from too many people. I just wanted a paying job so I could get out of the house!!! Well, after 6 years of trying various jobs, including a DJ at a country & western radio station (and I have to mention I knew squat about the music then) where I also had to earn a commission on selling air time (in three months with my $450/month salary, I made a whooping $7 commission), and my dad talking retirement, I joined the US Navy, became a Navy Journalist and survived 11 years at their minimal level of physical fitness, before being medically retired with 100% disability. That was probably my saving grace as I thought since I had a degree, I wouldn't need to go back to college so I opted out of the G.I. Bill for education benefits. All that happened shortly after my parents had died, and I wasn't really prepared to leave the service. That's when I went out on an audition for a community theater play, did well in my first role, and then decided that I needed to live my life for me.
Anyway, here we are at the end of 2013. First semester, 3 A's and a B and on the Dean's list. This last semester, 2 A's and 2 B's. I know I am to blame for the B's as in both cases, I either didn't hand in homework or was late with it. And I probably didn't try as hard as I could have either. I fully expected one of the A's but in the other class....I didn't know quite what to expect. That professor I have issues with as the prof was all over the board during the lectures. They would start on a topic, change it mid-topic two or three times until I eventually lost track of what was actually being discussed in class. I asked questions, but wasn't really clear still. It became so hard to take notes in the class that I eventually gave up on it. I never even finished reading the text for the class. And yet, I get an A without even trying. So, that's one reason I'm confused.
As I only got C's most of my life and never received any kind of recognition for that, even when I was not trying, getting the recognition for A's and B's when I feel like I was hardly trying seems ... well, odd in some way. I have nothing to compare it to. Is this a good thing? Did other students who made the Dean's list feel like they hardly tried? I had always imagined they had worked real hard to get the grades and that kind of recognition. And I have no family to speak of to give me a pat on the back for that kind of accomplishment. My brother is all that's left and we hardly communicate about life anyway! I don't know how to accept this.
And if you say that I've found my calling, somehow, I feel a regret over the past 30 years. Had I followed this plan 30 years ago, my life would be so different. I might actually have something for my name instead of living with a friend that cares that I have a roof over my head and living paycheck to paycheck! How do I live with that feeling?
I'm 58, so close to the so-called "retirement age" and I have a chronic life challenge condition at the present. Sure it's manageable, but other than my healthcare through the VA and my insurance I pay extra for, I can go to a doctor of MY choosing. I still don't have dental or vision covered by any insurance. Can I make a retirement plan at this late stage in my life??? Especially in the film biz?? I suppose only time will tell in that regard. But then I get back to feeling regretful that I did not make these discoveries, or at the very least, pay better attention to the signs 26-30 years ago at high school graduation.
I don't know, I suppose none of us has the answers to any of life's questions as they come up and that's where faith and trust comes into play. As a child we trust our parents to help us grow up, but we all have to learn to trust ourselves at some point. I guess I'm still learning that concept even at my advanced age.
The journey of a lifetime begins with a single step. So, here goes......
Thank you for reading this. Please feel free to leave comments, suggestions or ask me anything!!!
